Great story, it brought back memories, ... now If I may venture to tell my own story.
I was cross-country runner in high school and was usually in the top four in my class.
I was lean and whatever I ate, I could never seem to put on weight, even when doing repeats in the gym with heavy weights.
At our local beach there would be a group of Cadillac owners with their girl friends, and a small cordoned off area, where these well built guys pumped iron. I thought then: the guys, the cars and the girls were awesome and something to aspire to when I reached their age.
It never came to be, as that era faded when I was reached their age. A new desire emerged out of the blue.
One day my mother complained to my uncle, that she was worried about me about being too skinny. My uncle allayed her fears and said, that I am built to run; an athlete.
That comment would be etched into my brain and soon I decided to be a runner and train.
I did this for a few years and once I married and had a family. I stopped running altogether; I did not plan this. This just sneaked upon me stealthily without me thinking about stopping. I guess I was too absorbed with family and had more pressing goals in life.
Many years later, there was a revisiting and a stirring of a desire to run. It was when watching the Olympic running events; marathon and 10,000 meters, that I told my son I use to run too. He looked at me in disbelief - probably saw that I had gained weight and looked nothing like the runners on TV. I read his mind, before he even said anything, I went to retrieve an old school sports photo Album. He carefully looked at the photos and I pointed out myself running.
After many years without running, I decide to run again. It was incredibly difficult and felt like I had scores of sports injuries. I said to myself, being retired I should not be doing this - what am I trying to prove? - then a another thought popped into my head, but I am doing this !!!
So I struggled and kept going. You are certainly right about the Phoenix: just because you have ended something in the past , it does not mean its truly the end! you have a choice in the matter to rise from the ashes -- with a little more wisdom and life experiences to spice things up along the way.
T S Eliot quote, resonate s highly with me.
""We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time. ... "
I am running for the first time: more time to focus on my body; muscles; tendons, breathing, the environment, noticing and greeting the other runners - not just running blindly ahead.
It feels like I started to learn to run again but this time I have all this personal knowledge and experience accumulated over the years that makes my run much different than when I was youngster.
I Amazed really, I will try to keep going and If I stop.
When our first daughter was born, I knew my life would never be the same. She was so vulnerable and the profound responsibility I felt to nurture and love and provide for her opened my heart full throttle. Ditto for our second daughter. “Life” took on new meaning and whatever I could do to sustain and enhance their lives would be my “purpose “. And “Life” became my North Star. It required “attention”, “nurturing” and unconditional “love “. Nothing else mattered and nothing else has ever mattered more. It was my truth. Yes, my ego has obscured this truth more times than I want to acknowledge but I always come back to it. And each time I do, I am the Phoenix rising …
I've been through some life changes in the past few years and I found myself asking Who am I? The immediate responses in my head were mother wife daughter employee etc. But then I said No, my question to myself is Who am I to Me? not who am I in relation to others. I'm no longer an employee or a wife, my daughter is grown and my mother is in poor health. But I am still Me. And I love it!
I love this essay. It amazes me that you have such insight at such a young age--and your power of expression is beyond words! Thank you, thank you for being there for me (and others, of course) as I move--kicking and screaming--into the final decades of my life. The last couple of years have been a mess of transition for me, but you have given me both new perspective and inspiration, and I'm forever grateful.
I love this Terrell. Not sure anyone has an answer but it is the right question….perhaps it is when any more major change happens in your life?? Or maybe it’s as simple as “when you begin to think about asking?”
Our oldest left for college this year and that set me off on what I jokingly call my midlife crisis. I decided to put some purpose beyond just maintaining minimum fitness into my exercise and leaned hard into running and training for some upcoming races. I got my nose pierced (again... I had it done in college and then took it out after graduation so I wouldn't scare off potential employers), I've refreshed my wardrobe, I'm putting more effort in to friendships. I feel more energized and more myself than I have in a long time.
We still have one at home and he's only 8. I wonder if I'll go through another phoenix transformation in 10 years when he heads off to college? I read an article by Sarah Wilson a while ago and this quote on aging really resonated with me -- "We can rise to the terms or not. We can thrive... or accept diminishment." I want to continue to thrive.
Lovely sharing, Terrell! I remind myself of the Phoenix myth every time a new cycle starts in my life :) To help me at the beginning of a new journey, I do the following (once a day or whenever I feel uneasy): In a calm environment, I sit comfortably, close my eyes, and recall a joyful sensation I felt once I was at the summit of my previous cycle. I try not to rationalize the emotion but allow my body to feel it again. This practice brings me internal peace and encourages me to continue on the discovery path. It is a powerful tool! I am happy to hear if it works for you, too :)
No answers here, but a strong hunch that you are on the right track with the multiple-cycle Phoenix idea. (And this was a good, thoughtful essay — thanks.)
I know that how that is.I have changed so much in the last four years because of the covid thing. I'm starting a next chapter of my life next year. It will be fun to be back With my family in north carolina. I also have a return from cooking after forty five years. And this is going to be interesting because we're gonna be buying a house. And I'm gonna do a little bit more running. And do it a little bit more writing and I'm excited.. Change is good every decade.I always try to think of something new to do. I ran my first marathon when I was in my 40s. And in my thirties I ran on my first half marathon. And in my fifties my running really took off. That's the year I did the fifteen races for the rock and roll challenge. When Kobe hit I realized I could really run long and hard and I felt so free. Because I wasn't tied to a kitchen.. I'm never afraid of change.Because it always brings new insight and new beginning
Glad your feeling better. Yeah I remember as a kid thinking there was a time when you were a grown up…. The older I get I’ve come to realize there is no dividing line. At 50 I’m still searching and still am not sure what I want to be when I “grow up”
When I started really running, my why was for my son Josh. I wanted to be a healthy example for him and he needed me to stay healthy and raise him. I lost it when he grew up and then moved out. (Even though I am very proud of him for being a successful adult.)
I have honestly struggled to find a new why the past year or two, but held onto a bit of my old feelings of running for my son and even included my hubby in my why.
This year (2024) I have hit a wall with my why. It’s crazy. I put a sticky note on my kitchen cupboard—What is my why? I’m not sure right now.
This a very interesting essay. I have quite a few moments like that where I wonder and I ponder over the purpose of existence. Each era or decade we spend living, we realize that is not it. The purpose is not to just grow up and get a job and have a family and try to be successful at each endeavor. Even after you do all that the feeling always stays there with you. I am 42 years old and I still feel like I am just getting started to try and understand what the purpose is. But I continue with this feeling every moment of my life but haven’t found an answer to it. Then suddenly amidst the philosophical musings I realize the purpose is to be. Just to be as you are and to do the deeds and find a meaning or perhaps no meaning at all. The lessons that we learn through each day of our existence are plentiful but never noticeable.
Every so often I take a step back and think harder and then realize that the purpose of a human being is to be. “To be” can have numerous meanings to numerous individuals but at the crux of every goal and every event is the need to be. That is what I feel at this moment. But then I think harder and watch my answers change….
Thanks Terence.
Great story, it brought back memories, ... now If I may venture to tell my own story.
I was cross-country runner in high school and was usually in the top four in my class.
I was lean and whatever I ate, I could never seem to put on weight, even when doing repeats in the gym with heavy weights.
At our local beach there would be a group of Cadillac owners with their girl friends, and a small cordoned off area, where these well built guys pumped iron. I thought then: the guys, the cars and the girls were awesome and something to aspire to when I reached their age.
It never came to be, as that era faded when I was reached their age. A new desire emerged out of the blue.
One day my mother complained to my uncle, that she was worried about me about being too skinny. My uncle allayed her fears and said, that I am built to run; an athlete.
That comment would be etched into my brain and soon I decided to be a runner and train.
I did this for a few years and once I married and had a family. I stopped running altogether; I did not plan this. This just sneaked upon me stealthily without me thinking about stopping. I guess I was too absorbed with family and had more pressing goals in life.
Many years later, there was a revisiting and a stirring of a desire to run. It was when watching the Olympic running events; marathon and 10,000 meters, that I told my son I use to run too. He looked at me in disbelief - probably saw that I had gained weight and looked nothing like the runners on TV. I read his mind, before he even said anything, I went to retrieve an old school sports photo Album. He carefully looked at the photos and I pointed out myself running.
After many years without running, I decide to run again. It was incredibly difficult and felt like I had scores of sports injuries. I said to myself, being retired I should not be doing this - what am I trying to prove? - then a another thought popped into my head, but I am doing this !!!
So I struggled and kept going. You are certainly right about the Phoenix: just because you have ended something in the past , it does not mean its truly the end! you have a choice in the matter to rise from the ashes -- with a little more wisdom and life experiences to spice things up along the way.
T S Eliot quote, resonate s highly with me.
""We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time. ... "
I am running for the first time: more time to focus on my body; muscles; tendons, breathing, the environment, noticing and greeting the other runners - not just running blindly ahead.
It feels like I started to learn to run again but this time I have all this personal knowledge and experience accumulated over the years that makes my run much different than when I was youngster.
I Amazed really, I will try to keep going and If I stop.
So what ! LOL, I did it again !
cheers and good luck ....
Nicholas
When our first daughter was born, I knew my life would never be the same. She was so vulnerable and the profound responsibility I felt to nurture and love and provide for her opened my heart full throttle. Ditto for our second daughter. “Life” took on new meaning and whatever I could do to sustain and enhance their lives would be my “purpose “. And “Life” became my North Star. It required “attention”, “nurturing” and unconditional “love “. Nothing else mattered and nothing else has ever mattered more. It was my truth. Yes, my ego has obscured this truth more times than I want to acknowledge but I always come back to it. And each time I do, I am the Phoenix rising …
I've been through some life changes in the past few years and I found myself asking Who am I? The immediate responses in my head were mother wife daughter employee etc. But then I said No, my question to myself is Who am I to Me? not who am I in relation to others. I'm no longer an employee or a wife, my daughter is grown and my mother is in poor health. But I am still Me. And I love it!
I love this essay. It amazes me that you have such insight at such a young age--and your power of expression is beyond words! Thank you, thank you for being there for me (and others, of course) as I move--kicking and screaming--into the final decades of my life. The last couple of years have been a mess of transition for me, but you have given me both new perspective and inspiration, and I'm forever grateful.
I love this Terrell. Not sure anyone has an answer but it is the right question….perhaps it is when any more major change happens in your life?? Or maybe it’s as simple as “when you begin to think about asking?”
my achilles injury is back. sucks.
Our oldest left for college this year and that set me off on what I jokingly call my midlife crisis. I decided to put some purpose beyond just maintaining minimum fitness into my exercise and leaned hard into running and training for some upcoming races. I got my nose pierced (again... I had it done in college and then took it out after graduation so I wouldn't scare off potential employers), I've refreshed my wardrobe, I'm putting more effort in to friendships. I feel more energized and more myself than I have in a long time.
We still have one at home and he's only 8. I wonder if I'll go through another phoenix transformation in 10 years when he heads off to college? I read an article by Sarah Wilson a while ago and this quote on aging really resonated with me -- "We can rise to the terms or not. We can thrive... or accept diminishment." I want to continue to thrive.
I love this newsletter. So much wisdom and truth. Thank you for this. I'm always wrangling that process of reinvention and sometimes starting over.
Lovely sharing, Terrell! I remind myself of the Phoenix myth every time a new cycle starts in my life :) To help me at the beginning of a new journey, I do the following (once a day or whenever I feel uneasy): In a calm environment, I sit comfortably, close my eyes, and recall a joyful sensation I felt once I was at the summit of my previous cycle. I try not to rationalize the emotion but allow my body to feel it again. This practice brings me internal peace and encourages me to continue on the discovery path. It is a powerful tool! I am happy to hear if it works for you, too :)
No answers here, but a strong hunch that you are on the right track with the multiple-cycle Phoenix idea. (And this was a good, thoughtful essay — thanks.)
I know that how that is.I have changed so much in the last four years because of the covid thing. I'm starting a next chapter of my life next year. It will be fun to be back With my family in north carolina. I also have a return from cooking after forty five years. And this is going to be interesting because we're gonna be buying a house. And I'm gonna do a little bit more running. And do it a little bit more writing and I'm excited.. Change is good every decade.I always try to think of something new to do. I ran my first marathon when I was in my 40s. And in my thirties I ran on my first half marathon. And in my fifties my running really took off. That's the year I did the fifteen races for the rock and roll challenge. When Kobe hit I realized I could really run long and hard and I felt so free. Because I wasn't tied to a kitchen.. I'm never afraid of change.Because it always brings new insight and new beginning
Thought provoking post Terrell! Thank you. I will ponder this as I run. :) When I do my best thinking....
Earth Day Half Marathon this Sunday! YAHOO! I will be wearing a yellow cape. (I hope it helps me run faster)
Also, I ran 10 miles today. Woohoo
Glad your feeling better. Yeah I remember as a kid thinking there was a time when you were a grown up…. The older I get I’ve come to realize there is no dividing line. At 50 I’m still searching and still am not sure what I want to be when I “grow up”
Love this! I totally feel the same.
When I started really running, my why was for my son Josh. I wanted to be a healthy example for him and he needed me to stay healthy and raise him. I lost it when he grew up and then moved out. (Even though I am very proud of him for being a successful adult.)
I have honestly struggled to find a new why the past year or two, but held onto a bit of my old feelings of running for my son and even included my hubby in my why.
This year (2024) I have hit a wall with my why. It’s crazy. I put a sticky note on my kitchen cupboard—What is my why? I’m not sure right now.
This a very interesting essay. I have quite a few moments like that where I wonder and I ponder over the purpose of existence. Each era or decade we spend living, we realize that is not it. The purpose is not to just grow up and get a job and have a family and try to be successful at each endeavor. Even after you do all that the feeling always stays there with you. I am 42 years old and I still feel like I am just getting started to try and understand what the purpose is. But I continue with this feeling every moment of my life but haven’t found an answer to it. Then suddenly amidst the philosophical musings I realize the purpose is to be. Just to be as you are and to do the deeds and find a meaning or perhaps no meaning at all. The lessons that we learn through each day of our existence are plentiful but never noticeable.
Every so often I take a step back and think harder and then realize that the purpose of a human being is to be. “To be” can have numerous meanings to numerous individuals but at the crux of every goal and every event is the need to be. That is what I feel at this moment. But then I think harder and watch my answers change….