All this week (on Wednesday and in our paid member newsletters) we’ve been discussing the challenges of dealing with disappointment. A run that didn’t go as expected, or the experience of not being able to achieve the distance or time you were going for — we all know what it feels like to come up short. What I find is my conversation with myself plays a huge role in this. So I wanted to know, how do you deal with negative self-talk, with the voice in your head that tries to tell you your goal isn’t achievable? — Terrell
I always start of with 3 goals in mind, best case, average case and absolute everything has failed worst case. I also remind myself i am not an elite athlete, there is no paycheck I do this for enjoyment, when you get paid for your hobby it becomes work, work is stressful, running shouldn’t be stressing you out.
When I have a tough workout and I'm really struggling, I remind myself that I'm still doing something and something is better than nothing. Every day won't be a PR, nor should it be!
I feel it is a mindset that has to permeate all of life. When we were raising our 4 children (who are all now married) we made a decision - no negative speech aimed at them. Have you ever heard people speak of “the terrible two’s”? I personally feel that is a negative thing to say and we did not do that to our children. We tried to deal with behavior and issues and not call names. The same thing is true of our marriage and the way we treat each other.
For some of you this sounds pretty cool. To me it is much more fundamental to my core being. The Bible says that human kind was created in the image of G-d. Because of this, I do not believe I have the option of denigrating another person because that is the way He created them. Yes, behavior has to be discussed, but not name calling or negativity.
In the same way, who am I to denigrate me if I was created in his image? So instead of negative self-talk I seek to dig deep into his strength to get better at what I am doing. That is why yesterday in my reply to Terrell I said that I praise G-d for the muscle soreness in my abdomen I have been struggling with because it kept me from over training and burning out.
Ben, I couldn't agree more. That is so, so insightful what you say about negativity. I was just reading earlier this week about the need to eliminate negativity when it comes to marriage, but just as you say, it really applies to all our relationships -- including with our children and ourselves. Wonderful thoughts.
First is understanding you will bonk sometimes, analyze and figure out IF there was a fixible reason (bad food choices, lack of sleep, overtrained, etc) then most important accept it put it behind you.
I also focus on the achievements I have gained that I didn't think I could. I used to only run every other day thinking my body could not handle more. Now I run 5 days a week and often 3-4 days in a row. I never thought I could run 100 mi in a month, 50-70 used to be tops. Now at 61 I have run over 100 mi every month this year. So I look at where I was and where I am and realize and can do more. Never even considered doing an ultra but after my 4th marathon (Chicago in Oct), an ultra may come on to my radar.
About 4 years ago I was to run a half in Budapest. In the months previous to race day I had been plagued by a leg injury. I had massage and physio professionals do everything they could possibly do to get me ready. There just was not enough time for proper healing. The trip from Canada to Hungary was going to happen, with or without the race - so of course I showed up on race day and tried to run. I probably knew in my heart that this was foolish but I let my pride rule the day. No way was I dropping out. By about the 5K mark I could hear the "bus of death" behind me. Multiple times a minute I kept glancing over my shoulder to see it getting ever closer. It is terrifying to imagine yourself being told to hop on because you can't run the minumum pace. I pressed on, determined to outrun that wretched evil runner-eating monster. I stayed ahead of my enemy until the 10K mark. I watched slow, older, and unorthodox runners with poor form stay ahead of the bus - but I could not rise above the pain. So I bitterly resigned myself to the humiliating defeat, got on the bus and rode to the finish line. The irony - because of traffic, I could have hobbled faster than that bus and reached the end-of-race party just as fast. I learned my lesson. It is ok to not finish a race. It is ok to not start a race in the first place. Sometimes you must subtract in order to add later. Once I realized this I felt more at peace and a sense of freedom. I started running at age 60. Since then, in 7 years, I have completed 43 international races. The number could possibly be closer to 50. A few I did not finish. A few I didn't even show up for. Wisdom must conquer foolish pride. Health must be viewed as more important than my row of medals.
When it’s obvious I’m not going to reach my goal, I just start focusing on pizza and beer. No negativity, just the thought that I’ve managed to get further than most and whatever I’ve achieved, it’s still an amazing feat!
I have to tell myself that I am a runner not because I’m fast, but because I’m trying. At least I’m not a couch potato. There are days I struggle a lot because of the southern humidity, but I’m out there getting stronger. My training route is my subdivision which is very hilly. So may not be fast, but I’m getting stronger.
Not that I quote Taylor Swift...ever...but "hater's are gonna hate" I go back to what Terrell said earlier this week, you really have to be on your own team! If you can't give love to yourself for accomplishing a goal or TRYING to accomplish a goal than who will? Be your own best advocate, eevveerryy day!!! We all have off days, that is called being human, give love to yourself first...it makes giving love to others so much easier because YOU aren't broken and discouraged. I am a part time caretaker of a young woman who had a stroke 9 years ago as the result of head trauma (PS: I will never skydive!)...she was a triathlete and she will never compete again...am I really gonna whine about the fact that I ran out of gas and ONLY did 7 miles on Wednesday when 9 was in my training plan...no, no, no I am not...
I have really enjoyed your Friday threads, Terrell! My recent reading in "Switch" by Chip and Dan Heath covered failure, which is a necessary part of the change process, and we probably do not understand failure the way we should. Although they have more of an organizational approach, it has personal application. They reference Tim Brown (CEO of IDEO) and the “U-shaped curve” of “how people feel during different phases of a project” and put “hope” at the beginning, “insight” in the middle, and “confidence” as the other peak. And a quote from Brown saying that “design is rarely a graceful leap from height to height.” (Think of that U-shaped curve). It is in that middle area—the “valley of angst and doubt’”—where “it eventually emerges with a growing sense of momentum.” So…if I see my goal and aim—hope—followed by a valley (insight), there is generally something to be learned from it…and having a “failing forward mentality” (John Maxwell) can help establish that eventual momentum, which leads to confidence. Yeah!! Running is a journey; learning from each lesson with “evaluated experience” (again, John Maxwell) is what benefits us. It is called growth. To grow is to change; and it is not without the valley. I hope this helps someone! Howie
Thanks so much, Howie! Those are some really helpful insights -- I find that I experience something similar, especially when I'm trying for a distance I'm not sure I'm ready for. I struggle with the feeling that I'm giving up on myself... but I have to remember I can always try again. Great thoughts!
I remind myself that I am doing this for fun. I really enjoy my time running, even though it can be grueling. I also like to think of the amazing accomplishments of other runners and athletes. It's not difficult to find inspiring stories about other people achieving amazing goals. My own seem easy in comparison.
I tell myself to just take one breath at a time, and remind myself that the way I'm feeling is completely normal given my circumstances (a really hot, humid day, not enough sleep, sore muscles, etc.) I tell myself that I AM capable and worthy of achieving my goals. I remember that all the training miles and hard work I put in make accomplishing my goals possible.
Manage your expectations from the beginning. Know why you are running in the first place. I have never cared about my time, where I place, any of that. This is for the cardio, the conditioning, and the satisfaction of simply covering long distances. I was injured and couldn't run for almost 6 months. THAT was hard. A bad training run? Come on. Unless you are an elite runner, you're slow comparatively. So what?
I've always said that the physical part of running - heart, lung, leg strength is the easiest part of running - but the mental aspect of the sport is tough. It's so easy to get in your head and judge yourself for everything that didn't go to plan. I struggle with this. However, what I've discovered that helps me to beat the negative self talk away with a stick is to remember why I run, remember those great running days and how I felt, and I tell myself that this too shall pass. It's important to leave the bad runs in the past where they belong. I don't dwell on a bad run, I tell myself that at least I got out there and moved. Moving forward is better than sitting on the couch. I look forward to those great days - that's what keeps me motivated.
I have taught myself in running, and in life writ large, to celebrate what I have, not complain about what I don’t. For example, if I place 4th of 10 in my age group, I don’t dwell on having missed an age group award. Instead, I congratulate myself on having finished in the upper half. Then I take a look at the results in an age group 30 years younger and commend myself for having a finish time that’s respectable even in that group. Then I tell myself that I really didn’t finish only 4th of 10, because only 10 out of the 1000 that could have been in the race showed up; therefore I was actually 4 out of 1000. Be happy and proud that you accomplished something significant just by being there and putting out your best effort. Don’t be the Homer Simpson who advised Bart that “if you don’t try, you can never fail.”
Anything we do starts with the head...what we think has a direct bearing on how we feel. So I always tell myself I'll enjoy my run, which the majority of times I do. I also employ what I call a "fun fantasy" when I run to help distract the actual activity of running. For example, as I listen to music I imagine myself on stage performing the song I listen to...in fact, I used to sing in a rock band during my earlier years of high school and college. Often I will have run a few miles oblivious to the time and distance I've completed. I began running almost 3 years ago, and have completed 22 competitive runs, from marathons to 5K's. Hope this is helpful! Dr. Bob Breen
Rest, then go again. If some goal is unreasonable, you'll know after a few ups and downs. I recently revamped my goals and am racing more at lower distances, trails, whatever comes along and I'm happy again. That long, grinding training isn't for everyone. No regrets through, I went for it and it didn't work out. I'm ok with that, and who knows down the road
I discovered books and podcast on this subject and it has helped , I tell my self I can do this I am strong and during a race will count steps up to ten then start over after a few minutes I am in a better place , if a negative thought comes in my hard will not invite it to stay
First, I have my pity party for a day or two. Then I remind myself how much I’ve already accomplished and that I’m doing more than the person sitting on the couch.
I have a propensity to feel like I've failed if I don't place in a race, which is ridiculous. Like Marsha mentioned below, even coming in last place is better than not trying at all!
I hear you! I once "competed" in a triathlon and came in last. Not last in my age group, or last among my friends, or last among the people I was running/biking with... dead last. Of everyone. But here's the thing -- I'm as proud of that last-place finish as I am of anything I've ever done athletically, because I didn't quit.
Running for me is arguably more for mental sanity than physical strength. Yes, I have the running goals and I beat myself up. I did that lately...I am not getting faster in my speed trainings, but I have increased my weekly mileage significantly, that's the part I tend to forget. I kept my speed while running longer distances. I do have to make sure running remains my outlet from the stress of work and life. It's not always easy to motivate yourself and once in a while that burger and beer seems to be the better option... well guess what, being happy benefits the training as well, so indulge... embrace the day that doesn't go as well and keep on looking forward.... there is no point beating yourself up over something you can't change anymore anyways... keep running, keep smiling!!!
I always start of with 3 goals in mind, best case, average case and absolute everything has failed worst case. I also remind myself i am not an elite athlete, there is no paycheck I do this for enjoyment, when you get paid for your hobby it becomes work, work is stressful, running shouldn’t be stressing you out.
That's so true! No one's paying us, no one else cares about our finishing times or distance. Love that.
When I have a tough workout and I'm really struggling, I remind myself that I'm still doing something and something is better than nothing. Every day won't be a PR, nor should it be!
I feel it is a mindset that has to permeate all of life. When we were raising our 4 children (who are all now married) we made a decision - no negative speech aimed at them. Have you ever heard people speak of “the terrible two’s”? I personally feel that is a negative thing to say and we did not do that to our children. We tried to deal with behavior and issues and not call names. The same thing is true of our marriage and the way we treat each other.
For some of you this sounds pretty cool. To me it is much more fundamental to my core being. The Bible says that human kind was created in the image of G-d. Because of this, I do not believe I have the option of denigrating another person because that is the way He created them. Yes, behavior has to be discussed, but not name calling or negativity.
In the same way, who am I to denigrate me if I was created in his image? So instead of negative self-talk I seek to dig deep into his strength to get better at what I am doing. That is why yesterday in my reply to Terrell I said that I praise G-d for the muscle soreness in my abdomen I have been struggling with because it kept me from over training and burning out.
Love this thinking! We are all one of His rockstars!!!
Ben, I couldn't agree more. That is so, so insightful what you say about negativity. I was just reading earlier this week about the need to eliminate negativity when it comes to marriage, but just as you say, it really applies to all our relationships -- including with our children and ourselves. Wonderful thoughts.
Amen!
First is understanding you will bonk sometimes, analyze and figure out IF there was a fixible reason (bad food choices, lack of sleep, overtrained, etc) then most important accept it put it behind you.
I also focus on the achievements I have gained that I didn't think I could. I used to only run every other day thinking my body could not handle more. Now I run 5 days a week and often 3-4 days in a row. I never thought I could run 100 mi in a month, 50-70 used to be tops. Now at 61 I have run over 100 mi every month this year. So I look at where I was and where I am and realize and can do more. Never even considered doing an ultra but after my 4th marathon (Chicago in Oct), an ultra may come on to my radar.
Well put!!! You inspire me!
Same here! What you've done is truly amazing, George. At this point, that's more than 800 miles so far this year. Wow.
About 4 years ago I was to run a half in Budapest. In the months previous to race day I had been plagued by a leg injury. I had massage and physio professionals do everything they could possibly do to get me ready. There just was not enough time for proper healing. The trip from Canada to Hungary was going to happen, with or without the race - so of course I showed up on race day and tried to run. I probably knew in my heart that this was foolish but I let my pride rule the day. No way was I dropping out. By about the 5K mark I could hear the "bus of death" behind me. Multiple times a minute I kept glancing over my shoulder to see it getting ever closer. It is terrifying to imagine yourself being told to hop on because you can't run the minumum pace. I pressed on, determined to outrun that wretched evil runner-eating monster. I stayed ahead of my enemy until the 10K mark. I watched slow, older, and unorthodox runners with poor form stay ahead of the bus - but I could not rise above the pain. So I bitterly resigned myself to the humiliating defeat, got on the bus and rode to the finish line. The irony - because of traffic, I could have hobbled faster than that bus and reached the end-of-race party just as fast. I learned my lesson. It is ok to not finish a race. It is ok to not start a race in the first place. Sometimes you must subtract in order to add later. Once I realized this I felt more at peace and a sense of freedom. I started running at age 60. Since then, in 7 years, I have completed 43 international races. The number could possibly be closer to 50. A few I did not finish. A few I didn't even show up for. Wisdom must conquer foolish pride. Health must be viewed as more important than my row of medals.
When it’s obvious I’m not going to reach my goal, I just start focusing on pizza and beer. No negativity, just the thought that I’ve managed to get further than most and whatever I’ve achieved, it’s still an amazing feat!
I have to tell myself that I am a runner not because I’m fast, but because I’m trying. At least I’m not a couch potato. There are days I struggle a lot because of the southern humidity, but I’m out there getting stronger. My training route is my subdivision which is very hilly. So may not be fast, but I’m getting stronger.
Not that I quote Taylor Swift...ever...but "hater's are gonna hate" I go back to what Terrell said earlier this week, you really have to be on your own team! If you can't give love to yourself for accomplishing a goal or TRYING to accomplish a goal than who will? Be your own best advocate, eevveerryy day!!! We all have off days, that is called being human, give love to yourself first...it makes giving love to others so much easier because YOU aren't broken and discouraged. I am a part time caretaker of a young woman who had a stroke 9 years ago as the result of head trauma (PS: I will never skydive!)...she was a triathlete and she will never compete again...am I really gonna whine about the fact that I ran out of gas and ONLY did 7 miles on Wednesday when 9 was in my training plan...no, no, no I am not...
I have really enjoyed your Friday threads, Terrell! My recent reading in "Switch" by Chip and Dan Heath covered failure, which is a necessary part of the change process, and we probably do not understand failure the way we should. Although they have more of an organizational approach, it has personal application. They reference Tim Brown (CEO of IDEO) and the “U-shaped curve” of “how people feel during different phases of a project” and put “hope” at the beginning, “insight” in the middle, and “confidence” as the other peak. And a quote from Brown saying that “design is rarely a graceful leap from height to height.” (Think of that U-shaped curve). It is in that middle area—the “valley of angst and doubt’”—where “it eventually emerges with a growing sense of momentum.” So…if I see my goal and aim—hope—followed by a valley (insight), there is generally something to be learned from it…and having a “failing forward mentality” (John Maxwell) can help establish that eventual momentum, which leads to confidence. Yeah!! Running is a journey; learning from each lesson with “evaluated experience” (again, John Maxwell) is what benefits us. It is called growth. To grow is to change; and it is not without the valley. I hope this helps someone! Howie
Thanks so much, Howie! Those are some really helpful insights -- I find that I experience something similar, especially when I'm trying for a distance I'm not sure I'm ready for. I struggle with the feeling that I'm giving up on myself... but I have to remember I can always try again. Great thoughts!
I remind myself that I am doing this for fun. I really enjoy my time running, even though it can be grueling. I also like to think of the amazing accomplishments of other runners and athletes. It's not difficult to find inspiring stories about other people achieving amazing goals. My own seem easy in comparison.
I tell myself to just take one breath at a time, and remind myself that the way I'm feeling is completely normal given my circumstances (a really hot, humid day, not enough sleep, sore muscles, etc.) I tell myself that I AM capable and worthy of achieving my goals. I remember that all the training miles and hard work I put in make accomplishing my goals possible.
I love those thoughts, Jenn!
I remind myself that a half mile in, I'll feel good.
Manage your expectations from the beginning. Know why you are running in the first place. I have never cared about my time, where I place, any of that. This is for the cardio, the conditioning, and the satisfaction of simply covering long distances. I was injured and couldn't run for almost 6 months. THAT was hard. A bad training run? Come on. Unless you are an elite runner, you're slow comparatively. So what?
“Know why you are running in the first place” I love that! A statement of ultimate truth about EVERYTHING!!! Thanks Doug!
I've always said that the physical part of running - heart, lung, leg strength is the easiest part of running - but the mental aspect of the sport is tough. It's so easy to get in your head and judge yourself for everything that didn't go to plan. I struggle with this. However, what I've discovered that helps me to beat the negative self talk away with a stick is to remember why I run, remember those great running days and how I felt, and I tell myself that this too shall pass. It's important to leave the bad runs in the past where they belong. I don't dwell on a bad run, I tell myself that at least I got out there and moved. Moving forward is better than sitting on the couch. I look forward to those great days - that's what keeps me motivated.
"Moving forward is better than sitting on the couch." Amen!
Correr, es un estilo de vida. Estes en donde estes corre.............greetingsfriends.......the half marathones.
Love that, Fernando!
I have taught myself in running, and in life writ large, to celebrate what I have, not complain about what I don’t. For example, if I place 4th of 10 in my age group, I don’t dwell on having missed an age group award. Instead, I congratulate myself on having finished in the upper half. Then I take a look at the results in an age group 30 years younger and commend myself for having a finish time that’s respectable even in that group. Then I tell myself that I really didn’t finish only 4th of 10, because only 10 out of the 1000 that could have been in the race showed up; therefore I was actually 4 out of 1000. Be happy and proud that you accomplished something significant just by being there and putting out your best effort. Don’t be the Homer Simpson who advised Bart that “if you don’t try, you can never fail.”
Anything we do starts with the head...what we think has a direct bearing on how we feel. So I always tell myself I'll enjoy my run, which the majority of times I do. I also employ what I call a "fun fantasy" when I run to help distract the actual activity of running. For example, as I listen to music I imagine myself on stage performing the song I listen to...in fact, I used to sing in a rock band during my earlier years of high school and college. Often I will have run a few miles oblivious to the time and distance I've completed. I began running almost 3 years ago, and have completed 22 competitive runs, from marathons to 5K's. Hope this is helpful! Dr. Bob Breen
Very helpful, Dr. Bob!
Rest, then go again. If some goal is unreasonable, you'll know after a few ups and downs. I recently revamped my goals and am racing more at lower distances, trails, whatever comes along and I'm happy again. That long, grinding training isn't for everyone. No regrets through, I went for it and it didn't work out. I'm ok with that, and who knows down the road
I discovered books and podcast on this subject and it has helped , I tell my self I can do this I am strong and during a race will count steps up to ten then start over after a few minutes I am in a better place , if a negative thought comes in my hard will not invite it to stay
I love that, Penny. Are there any in particular you'd recommend?
First, I have my pity party for a day or two. Then I remind myself how much I’ve already accomplished and that I’m doing more than the person sitting on the couch.
I have a propensity to feel like I've failed if I don't place in a race, which is ridiculous. Like Marsha mentioned below, even coming in last place is better than not trying at all!
I hear you! I once "competed" in a triathlon and came in last. Not last in my age group, or last among my friends, or last among the people I was running/biking with... dead last. Of everyone. But here's the thing -- I'm as proud of that last-place finish as I am of anything I've ever done athletically, because I didn't quit.
Running for me is arguably more for mental sanity than physical strength. Yes, I have the running goals and I beat myself up. I did that lately...I am not getting faster in my speed trainings, but I have increased my weekly mileage significantly, that's the part I tend to forget. I kept my speed while running longer distances. I do have to make sure running remains my outlet from the stress of work and life. It's not always easy to motivate yourself and once in a while that burger and beer seems to be the better option... well guess what, being happy benefits the training as well, so indulge... embrace the day that doesn't go as well and keep on looking forward.... there is no point beating yourself up over something you can't change anymore anyways... keep running, keep smiling!!!