I deeply identify with the personal phone struggles. (For my kids, I'm so grateful that in our Orthodox Jewish community it's socially normal to be offline until 20's at least.)
That being said, screens are ubiquitous everywhere, and there's lots to be said for teaching children to use them safely and healthfully. It's balance, like everything in life.
As for my running, I've been in a deep rut for months, barely cracking 3k a week on a good week. But I'm kinda at peace with that, I'm sure it'll come back stronger at the right time.
Great topic!! Our kids (adults now) grew up in an era when cell phones didn’t exist, although our youngest was part of the early days of cell phones. Much research indicates that today’s youngsters spend too much time on-line.
Our family spent several weekends each year camping (small pop-up). It was a great experience—hiking, cycling, discovering, etc. Also, physical activity was always high!
The way you write about "Little T"--it's like your entire community has been on the sidelines watching him grow up...and going through all those complicated emotions WITH you...rites of passage--even the good ones--are not easy!
That's so true! It's tough to go through even the good ones, because you know their time is finite and will soon be over. It's such a tension of opposites we have to live with, with all of this, you know?
I am at the tail end of this process, my oldest is 30 and the youngest is 14, eight of these once babies in total.
No one got a palm sized computer (phone) until they were driving. We put FAR TOO much trust in these young people for self control and many make choices and see things they are not capable of understanding and are too afraid to talk to us about. None of my kids had it in their rooms overnight when they lived in my house. Once they moved out they did what they wanted. Computers always in a common room. I am not on my phone much so they can’t say I doom scroll at all.
Phones are a privilege, not a right. Privacy is the same; a privilege. If I ever felt like something was “off” with one of my kids I figured out what it was in various ways (one of my boys was real hard pretty suddenly and guess what he was experimenting with? Our discussion was very positive, no blame just listening and understanding. He’s now grown and is one of my favorite people, but he needed a bit of straightening).
It’s a hard one. My sons, now 19 and 17, got their phone when they turned 13 too. There are days you wish you didn’t give it to them because they seem so lost doomscrolling and missing out real life, but then I remind myself that my real life was different. No web, no mobile phones, just a set list of TV channels, etc…
But there are days you love them for having their phone as you know where they are, you can share funny stuff and they can laugh back at you, etc.
I guess, as long as you don’t stay on your phone to model the wrong behavior, and continue to play your daily basketball and taking him out to fish, you should he all right. And, you can always make a few ground rules from the get go too…you’re paying for his bill, right?
My sons are not fully grown up, and their phones didn’t ruin them.
This may be the most reassuring, level-headed thought about phones I've ever read/heard/seen, Rogerio -- it's exactly what I needed to hear. You hear so much that makes us scared of this stuff, and quite frankly I'm exhausted with being scared. It sounds like you and your kids have handled it very well -- thoughtfully, intentionally, and getting what's actually good and useful from the tech. That's great to hear.
Yes. It seems we did, but there are good and bad days, and the bad days are the ones that can drag us into the whirlpool, but I think that was also normal when I was a teenager without the internet or a mobile phone for my parents: I guess what I am trying to say that, it’s just like life.
Given your existing relationship built on much love, joy and respect, I seriously doubt you and "T" will have a difficult time navigating this challenging transition. I would only suggest figuring out how best to pause before responding to the myriad times your son will trigger one of your hot buttons. The longer you can delay an emotional response, the better will be the outcome. Not always easy but perhaps necessary more often than not....
My son is 13 years old and my daughter turns 12 very soon. We've had a lot of discussions about smartphones and why they don't have one yet. I'm holding off until 16 years old or when they start driving. I'm sure we will have many more conversations from now until then. I'm curious what phone you're looking into?
I would rather them have a phone that is for calling/texting without all the apps and internet. I haven't done much research yet but I hope this would also be an option. Anyways, just writing this all to say you're not alone.
Hey Julie! This is a great perspective; you've given me a lot of food for thought! I've been looking into a regular smartphone, that has apps and internet, but with very robust parental controls. I'm going to look into what you say about a phone that just allows for texting and calling, though. (And, I'm SO glad to know I'm not alone!)
Hey Terrell, keep me posted on what you decide if you think of it. It's tricky. I have even thought about getting a phone hooked up in the kitchen like I had in my childhood and everyone would listen to my conversation. LOL (remember those days?) Even with the long cord, I wasn't getting any privacy, which looking back was probably a good thing.
I deeply identify with the personal phone struggles. (For my kids, I'm so grateful that in our Orthodox Jewish community it's socially normal to be offline until 20's at least.)
That being said, screens are ubiquitous everywhere, and there's lots to be said for teaching children to use them safely and healthfully. It's balance, like everything in life.
As for my running, I've been in a deep rut for months, barely cracking 3k a week on a good week. But I'm kinda at peace with that, I'm sure it'll come back stronger at the right time.
All the best, Terrell!
Reading that you've managed to hold out until 13 is heartening for me. A few more years to stave off the pressure!
My advice, as always, is it necessary. :)
Great topic!! Our kids (adults now) grew up in an era when cell phones didn’t exist, although our youngest was part of the early days of cell phones. Much research indicates that today’s youngsters spend too much time on-line.
Our family spent several weekends each year camping (small pop-up). It was a great experience—hiking, cycling, discovering, etc. Also, physical activity was always high!
Families bonding the right way!
The way you write about "Little T"--it's like your entire community has been on the sidelines watching him grow up...and going through all those complicated emotions WITH you...rites of passage--even the good ones--are not easy!
That's so true! It's tough to go through even the good ones, because you know their time is finite and will soon be over. It's such a tension of opposites we have to live with, with all of this, you know?
I am at the tail end of this process, my oldest is 30 and the youngest is 14, eight of these once babies in total.
No one got a palm sized computer (phone) until they were driving. We put FAR TOO much trust in these young people for self control and many make choices and see things they are not capable of understanding and are too afraid to talk to us about. None of my kids had it in their rooms overnight when they lived in my house. Once they moved out they did what they wanted. Computers always in a common room. I am not on my phone much so they can’t say I doom scroll at all.
Phones are a privilege, not a right. Privacy is the same; a privilege. If I ever felt like something was “off” with one of my kids I figured out what it was in various ways (one of my boys was real hard pretty suddenly and guess what he was experimenting with? Our discussion was very positive, no blame just listening and understanding. He’s now grown and is one of my favorite people, but he needed a bit of straightening).
Does this make sense??
It’s a hard one. My sons, now 19 and 17, got their phone when they turned 13 too. There are days you wish you didn’t give it to them because they seem so lost doomscrolling and missing out real life, but then I remind myself that my real life was different. No web, no mobile phones, just a set list of TV channels, etc…
But there are days you love them for having their phone as you know where they are, you can share funny stuff and they can laugh back at you, etc.
I guess, as long as you don’t stay on your phone to model the wrong behavior, and continue to play your daily basketball and taking him out to fish, you should he all right. And, you can always make a few ground rules from the get go too…you’re paying for his bill, right?
My sons are not fully grown up, and their phones didn’t ruin them.
This may be the most reassuring, level-headed thought about phones I've ever read/heard/seen, Rogerio -- it's exactly what I needed to hear. You hear so much that makes us scared of this stuff, and quite frankly I'm exhausted with being scared. It sounds like you and your kids have handled it very well -- thoughtfully, intentionally, and getting what's actually good and useful from the tech. That's great to hear.
Yes. It seems we did, but there are good and bad days, and the bad days are the ones that can drag us into the whirlpool, but I think that was also normal when I was a teenager without the internet or a mobile phone for my parents: I guess what I am trying to say that, it’s just like life.
Don't hold on to sweet tea days. Your relationship will evolve and mature and, with some luck, become more meaningful over time, not less
This is great advice, Kenneth! Love this.
Given your existing relationship built on much love, joy and respect, I seriously doubt you and "T" will have a difficult time navigating this challenging transition. I would only suggest figuring out how best to pause before responding to the myriad times your son will trigger one of your hot buttons. The longer you can delay an emotional response, the better will be the outcome. Not always easy but perhaps necessary more often than not....
That is excellent, excellent advice, Clark. Thank you my friend 🙏
I hesitated to give it to one who has already mastered it...but adolescence can test the best of us.
Hi Terrell,
My son is 13 years old and my daughter turns 12 very soon. We've had a lot of discussions about smartphones and why they don't have one yet. I'm holding off until 16 years old or when they start driving. I'm sure we will have many more conversations from now until then. I'm curious what phone you're looking into?
I would rather them have a phone that is for calling/texting without all the apps and internet. I haven't done much research yet but I hope this would also be an option. Anyways, just writing this all to say you're not alone.
Thanks for sharing, Julie
Hey Julie! This is a great perspective; you've given me a lot of food for thought! I've been looking into a regular smartphone, that has apps and internet, but with very robust parental controls. I'm going to look into what you say about a phone that just allows for texting and calling, though. (And, I'm SO glad to know I'm not alone!)
Hey Terrell, keep me posted on what you decide if you think of it. It's tricky. I have even thought about getting a phone hooked up in the kitchen like I had in my childhood and everyone would listen to my conversation. LOL (remember those days?) Even with the long cord, I wasn't getting any privacy, which looking back was probably a good thing.